Pain

It has been a few days since i graced you with my voice. So let’s get to it.

Over the weekend I’ve had time to reflect and think about some things that kind of worry me and question my emotional state of mind.

First: I understand that everyone is different, so emotions are different.

Second: We have evil people in the world and kind, compassionate people, and the people in between.

Lastly: we could be any of those things but choose to be something else.

Now back to this epiphany i had. i guess i finally realized what a cold emotionless robot i really am when it comes to matters of the heart and feelings. now, I do know i am rude, mean, hateful. Grade A Bitch. Everyone else knows it to. The kicker is when people cry or get upset about stuff or Find out terrible things about their family, get betrayed. They cry.

But me, I won’t cry. sometimes i can’t cry. I don’t have the urge to cry. even when my ex best friend called me all these things. i didn’t cry, when my sister got taken away i didn’t cry for her loss. when my birth mom betrayed me in the worst way i didn’t shed a tear, when get hurt and people throw shit at me i don’t cry. when my mom bribed me to lose weight and told me no boy would ever want me i didn’t cry. when i was manipulated and abused i didn’t cry.

out of all of these things i didn’t cry because i wouldn’t let myself. I would just take it all in. I think i took all the pain and directed it into a rage i carry with me everyday I’ve erected a wall so high and so strong it’s impossible to interpenetrate. I was raised knowing that crying was a weakness.

It’s something i still believe.

So i won’t cry. Not ever.

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